Monday, September 5, 2011

i am the lover, guardian, and patron saint of awkward kids.

As I was reading Gabby's post, I realize I didn't really talk about class. I was definitely more focused on talking about Lynda's Wet Crotch and Bunratty Folk Park.

As I mentioned before, I thought the class was about mythology considering the title included the word "folklore". I was speaking with Abbey, Gabby, Karie, and Lynda and they all thought the same thing. We all figured it would at least speak about the faeries, leprechauns, and ghosts of Ireland's history. Of course not. That's in a literal mythology class which I intend to take. That is, if I could find it in the timetables (aka schedule). I'm desperate because this class is boring the living daylights out of me.

But let me talk about my professor. She is this adorable little Irish woman who also has a pretty good sexist streak. On the first day of class, she told us she wouldn't bother learning all of our names. This would have been okay with me had she not followed it with strictly learning only the boys' names because apparently it's impossible to learn 30 students' names in a matter of a month. So instead of calling on us girls by name, she chooses to acknowledge our raised hands with "Good girl." I die every time. On top of that, when no one's raising their hands, she specifically calls on the boys because they're the only names she knows. It's annoying for everyone. I would love for her to know my name and I'm pretty sure the boys would like that as well so they can stop being picked on.

On top of not knowing our names, she additionally makes comments about how us girls should know things like cross-stitching, quilting, knitting, cooking, etc. Though I know how to do two of those four activities (one learned out of boredom, the other out of survival instincts), it does not mean that I necessarily care. Or that the girls are the only ones that know how to do those activities. She assumes some things about the boys, but it's usually an aside or I'm still so fueled with rage from her misogynistic comment that I don't listen to her for a minute. I understand that she's teaching a folklore (not mythology) class. I understand she's from an older generation. I understand there may be a cultural difference. It does not mean that I'm not allowed to ask the question "What the everliving fuck?!" As Gabby put it, this is the 21st century. Women have careers now. We no longer all stay at home making food and watching children. Most of us are going to college because we don't want to do that as our primary job. If you do, awesome. Good for you for making that choice. I, however, do not wish to be talked to as if that's my only option. I will be successful in whatever I end up doing with my life and it won't be housewifery.

Naturally in every class, there's the one kid who tries to be a kiss-ass to the teacher. There's also the kid who is super fucking awkward. Then, of course, you get your arrogant kid who's just a douche. Here's the thing: this is all one kid in my class. I have bestowed him the loving nickname of "Pig" as he resembles one and, in a way, is one. And before you start to say I'm a terrible person, Pig has crossed all sorts of lines with me. He has pissed me off on more than one occasion and I've had to hold it in since we were either in the classroom or the library. I don't give a shit. I will give you a horrible nickname if you get on the wrong side of me. (Then again, I have a penchant for giving people horrible nicknames in general.)

Things Pig Has Done:
  1. He assumed I'd like horror movies and argued with me on this topic. I loathe scary movies. Just ask my mother. We were watching "Panic Room" (undeniably the only movie Kristin Stewart was ever good in) and I didn't want her to leave the room because I was terrified of something. I don't know what. So when I say I like historical deaths and find them interesting, it does not mean I like horror movies. Historical death, disease, and destruction are historical and based in truth or fact. My mom and I also watch "Ghost Hunters" and really any ghost-related television show we can find. I also like the paranormal when it's based in a historical, real situation. What bothered me the most about this was that he not only assumed, but argued with me on my extreme dislike of horror movies. Strike #1.
  2. Strike #2: Greeting me in class the next day with "Oh look, it's Death Girl." Fuck off, Arrogant Pig.
  3. He eavesdrops on conversations and then awkwardly and obscenely inserts himself in that conversation. For instance, I was talking to Packy, a dear, dear friend of mine, about the pub crawl on Wednesday night and whether I would be in attendance. I have never been on a pub/bar crawl, so I was curious. Naturally, Pig inserts his piggy face into conversation to ask exactly what a pub crawl was. Packy nicely explained it and I, of course, responded with, "And they make you crawl from pub to pub on your hands and knees." Packy laughed, but Pig then says to me, "You're such a compulsive liar to me." I'll give you a second. He called me a compulsive liar. Apparently he has never actually met a compulsive liar or met anyone who makes jokes because he does not know the difference between them. (I'm not a compulsive liar, in case you were also confused.)
  4. On top of eavesdropping on certain conversations, he pretends he's included in conversations. Another instance in which I was talking to Packy about movies and Pig turns to me and says, "I like you; you're fun." Excuse me? You tell me this after calling me Death Girl and a compulsive liar? Nuh uh. This friendship you're attempting with me is not going to happen.
  5. To all my gay men friends: Pig does not understand why you like me. Once again, talking to Packy (NOTE: in real life, I do not talk to Packy this much. It just so happens that 90% of the conversation Pig eavesdrops on are Packy's.), I was telling him that I get the majority of my drinks from gay bars where they serve good alcohol and on top of that, I'm practically a gay man magnet. Pig tells me that he does not understand why gay men would be friends with me. Once again, I spluttered, shocked at what this pig just said to me. I'm the exact personality most people love in the first place. What you don't understand, Pig, is that you're the one no one likes. Hm. Look at that. And besides, if I were in X-Men, Gay Magnet would be my power. Even if my friends aren't gay, oh, they soon will be. (Fair warning.)
  6. He said some snide thing about my blueberry tea. To quote Lucille Bluth, "If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it."
  7. He decided to argue with our professor about the symbolism of the colour green. Though this was not to me directly, it directly wasted minutes I will never get back.
  8. BONUS: We're writing papers on rituals. I'm writing mine on the pledging process for Alpha Phi Omega. Pig is writing his on, wait for it, writing a paper. How fucking annoyingly meta can you get? Only hipsters do that shit and can get away with it. Meta is their life even though they will classify it incorrectly as irony. Pig is doing it as attempt to show us how interesting he is. Our responses included either an eye-roll or loud sigh. I definitely did both, and for emphasis, a groan.
The icing on the cake: nearly everyone in my class I've spoken to say they feel bad for him. Why?! I'd understand that if a junior in high school was like this. They're 16 turning 17, believing the whole world is out for them and no one likes them. (At least, that was my experience.) But when you're a junior in college and 20 turning 21, there's no excuse for some of this absolutely childish, arrogant, privileged behaviour. I love awkward kids, but most of them know how to vaguely function around groups at 20 years old. Best yet, they know what groups will accept them and which won't. Pig is so awkward it is physically painful to watch him do anything. Even I, the lover, guardian, and patron saint of awkward kids, cannot stand this kid. He's a twat.

Am I a horrible person for this? I remember telling Tyson to give Pig a chance. You always gotta give someone a chance. But when they blow it with calling you "Death Girl" and question your friendship with gay men they don't even know, you have to give them a shitty nickname and make rude comments about them as much as you can.

So yeah. Not a horrible person. Pig's a pig and that's that.


  1. Point of reference regarding your instructor. You are in a very conservative country. It is 93% Catholic. Abortions are illegal and birth control only became available legally in the 90's. That gives you the mind set of older generations. Luckily remedies are always available in in nearby England.
    As for Pig, don't let him occupy any space in your head. He's taken up too much already,

  2. yes, listen to Barbara in regards to "Pig".